The Gaze

The medieval Muslim scholar Ibn Muflih once wrote:

“Let the wise beware of an unrestrained gaze, for the eye tends to idealize what lies beyond its reach.”

It is a remarkably concise observation about human nature.

Do we really see things as they are—or as our desires make us see them?

Ibn Muflih’s original discussion concerned the dangers of an unrestrained gaze and the attachment and infatuation that may follow. We should therefore be careful not to attribute modern psychological theories to him retrospectively.

Yet the human insight contained in his statement is strikingly compatible with several phenomena studied by modern psychology: scarcity, attentional focus, social comparison, idealization, and affective forecasting.

Something may be quite ordinary in itself. But once it becomes difficult or impossible to attain, our minds can begin to assign it qualities and value it may not actually possess.

1. When Something Becomes Harder to Obtain, It Can Become More Desirable

Psychologists and behavioral economists have long studied what is broadly known as the scarcity effect: under certain conditions, people tend to assign greater value to things that are scarce, limited, or difficult to obtain.

This makes Ibn Muflih’s choice of words particularly interesting:

“…what lies beyond its reach.”

He is not merely talking about seeing something attractive. He is talking about seeing something we cannot have.

The distance between seeing something and being able to possess it may itself contribute to its attractiveness.

Sometimes we do not desire something because it is inherently extraordinary.

Rather, it begins to appear extraordinary because we cannot have it.

That distinction matters.

2. What We Focus On Grows Larger in Our Minds

When something captures our attention, it becomes increasingly prominent in our thinking. We may then begin to exaggerate its importance and the effect it would have on our lives.

A related concept in psychology is focalism: our tendency, when thinking about a future event or circumstance, to focus too heavily on one factor while underestimating all the other things that will continue to influence our well-being.

We tell ourselves:

If only I owned that house, I would be happier.

If only I reached that position, my life would be different.

If only I had the opportunities that person has, many of my problems would disappear.

But life does not stop when we obtain the thing we desire.

Our health remains. Our family remains. Our responsibilities remain. Our relationships, anxieties, routines, disappointments, and changing moods remain.

Yet when the eye—and then the mind—becomes fixed on one particular thing, that thing can begin to look like the missing key to happiness.

3. Imagination Fills In What the Eye Cannot See

This may bring us closest to the deeper meaning of Ibn Muflih’s observation.

We rarely know the complete reality of what we observe from a distance.

And when information is missing, the mind tends to fill in the gaps.

Often, it fills them in according to our hopes and desires.

We see a wealthy person. We see the house, the car, and the holidays. But we may know nothing about that person’s anxieties, health, family difficulties, loneliness, or pressures.

We see someone in a prestigious position. We notice the status and privileges, but not necessarily the responsibility, uncertainty, stress, or isolation that may accompany important decisions.

We see a family that appears exceptionally happy.

But we do not live inside their home.

A significant psychological distortion can then occur:

We compare the full reality of our own lives with an incomplete picture of someone else’s life—and then allow our imagination to fill in the missing pieces.

The comparison becomes:

our complete reality, including all its imperfections

versus

a selected image of someone else’s reality, completed by our imagination using the most favorable assumptions.

It is hardly surprising that we lose such a comparison.

4. Social Media: The Unrestrained Gaze in the Modern Age

Perhaps never in human history have our eyes been exposed to so much of other people’s lives.

In earlier times, most people compared themselves with a relatively limited circle: relatives, neighbors, colleagues, friends, and members of their community.

Today, within a few minutes, we can see:

one person’s house,
another person’s car,
a third person’s holiday,
a fourth person’s career success,
a fifth person’s appearance,
and a sixth person’s exceptionally accomplished children.

Then the mind can perform a curious trick.

It combines the best feature of each of these people into one imaginary person—and compares our life with that composite ideal.

But that person does not exist.

Social media provides particularly fertile ground for what psychologists call upward social comparison: comparing ourselves with people whom we perceive as better off than we are in some relevant dimension.

Upward comparison is not necessarily harmful.

It can inspire us. It can teach us what is possible. It can motivate us to improve.

The crucial difference may lie in the question we ask ourselves afterward.

Instead of:

“Why does this person have what I do not?”

we can ask:

“What can I learn from this person?”

The first question can breed envy, inadequacy, and dissatisfaction.

The second can promote learning and growth.

5. We May Overestimate Not Only the Thing—but the Happiness It Will Bring

Another relevant area of modern psychology is affective forecasting: our ability to predict how we will feel in the future.

Research suggests that we are not always particularly good at it.

We may overestimate the intensity of the happiness an event will bring us, or how long that happiness will last.

We tell ourselves:

If I get that job, I will finally be happy.

If I buy that house, I will feel settled.

If I own that car, I will enjoy it for years.

Then perhaps we obtain it.

We may indeed experience considerable happiness—but over time, human beings adapt to many changes. What was once a dream gradually becomes part of everyday life.

Two distortions can therefore operate together:

We exaggerate the value of the thing before obtaining it, and we exaggerate the amount of happiness we expect it to provide.

This makes Ibn Muflih’s observation particularly thought-provoking:

“…the eye tends to idealize what lies beyond its reach.”

From Seeing to Dissatisfaction

The possible psychological progression can be summarized simply:

Seeing → Attention → Comparison → Imagination → Idealization → Desire → Attachment → Dissatisfaction

Not every person will necessarily follow this sequence, and none of these stages is inevitable.

But the underlying principle is worth considering:

What we repeatedly allow to occupy our attention influences what we desire—and what we desire can influence how we evaluate what we already have.

Perhaps, then, the idea of an “unrestrained gaze” can be understood as something more than a fleeting glance.

The problem is not always that we see something.

The problem may begin when we allow what we have seen to dominate our attention; when we repeatedly return to it; when we compare it with what we possess; and when imagination begins to embellish what reality has left unseen.

Should We Stop Looking at People Who Are Better Off Than We Are?

Certainly not.

Observing successful people can teach us. Comparison can reveal areas in which we can improve. Seeing what others have accomplished can expand our understanding of what is possible.

The issue is not comparison itself, but what we do with it.

Instead of using other people’s lives as a measure of the value of our own, we can use them as sources of information and learning.

Perhaps the principle can be expressed simply:

Look to learn, not to long.

A Final Thought

Perhaps the most insightful part of Ibn Muflih’s statement is that he does not simply say that what lies beyond our reach is better.

Rather, he warns that we may see it differently from what it really is.

That is an important distinction.

The problem may not always lie in the objects before our eyes.

Sometimes it lies in the image our minds construct after what we see has passed through desire, deprivation, imagination, and comparison.

Wisdom, therefore, does not require us to close our eyes to the world.

It requires us to learn how to look at it.

Not everything that shines in another person’s life is gold.

Not everything we lack would improve our lives if we possessed it.

And not everything we have is of little value merely because familiarity has made us stop noticing it.

Perhaps one of the foundations of contentment is learning to see what is already in our hands as it truly is—and not seeing what is in the hands of others as better than it truly is.